I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
