What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
