I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
