Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
