He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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