just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
