You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
