Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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