does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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