had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
