I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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