I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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