the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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