Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
