dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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