Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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