closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
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You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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