i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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