The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
