my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
