I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
