The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
