oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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