I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
