so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
