the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
