im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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