those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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