My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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