I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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