I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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