Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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