Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish i was in the wii world.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
