If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
