i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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