After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
