Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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