My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
