evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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