The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
