tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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