I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
