Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
