You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
