Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
