How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
