What a fucking waste of an outfit
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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