Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
