this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i came on her dog
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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