It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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