I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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