I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
