I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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