My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
