if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
