ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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