Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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