My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
