I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
