I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
