so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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